The Independent Maiden

Oh, uh, hey

2010-07-26T21:13:00.001-04:00

Uh, geez, um. Please excuse the mess, I, uh, I didn't expect anyone to be coming here anymore. Perhaps you should walk this way, it's a bit nicer over there.

HAH.

2009-09-25T16:59:00.002-04:00

Politics

2009-02-01T10:26:00.012-05:00

I just do not understand what crawled up the Congressional Republicans' collective butt and died, but they are behaving in the most irrational, ineffective, and idiotic way one could ever imagine. I'm totally in favor of having a strong opposition party, but that is not what we have. Let's look at some examples of the way in which they have been the whiny kid being dragged through the mall by their perhaps too-patient mother:

(1) The stimulus package. Instead of being useful in formulating viable alternatives or coming up with ideas for improvement of what is admittedly a hastily thrown-together emergency bill, they have resorted to their predictable call for more tax cuts. It has been shown time and time again, most recently in real life, that tax cuts do not do what the Republicans say they do. Trickle-down economics only trickle down into the pockets of the Big Business types that got us into this mess. But instead of taking this into account, stopping and thinking a bit to come up with ways to make the stimulus package more bipartisan and more effective, they just cry about the Democrats ignoring them. Maybe they'd get a bit more attention if they came up with a new idea more often than every three decades.

(2) Rush Limbaugh. Seriously? Yes, seriously. The congressional Republicans are kissing his ass so much they could get a second job as a bidet. Why? Why? This man is the host of a radio show! He is not an elected official! If you all had the balls to collectively stand up to this blowhard, there's nothing he could do about it! But no, instead, men like Eric Canton, Mike Pence, and (most disgustingly) Phil Gringrey. Gingrey at least tried to stand up to Limbaugh's posturing, but when called out on it he cowered in the corner with his tail between his legs like the little bitch he is. You know the G.O.P. has a leadership vacuum when Mr. OxyContin is the one to step in and fill it. Where's your family values now?

(3) The Digital TV Transition. This one may seem petty, but I really feel it illustrates exactly how petty the Republicans are getting. So the situation is this: in 2005 it was decided that the entire country would be switching to digital TV broadcasts, leaving those with roof antennas and rabbit ears out in the cold unless they get digital converter boxes. But, the government is offering $40 coupons towards that purchase to eligible households. Great? Not quite. Because the coupons are being mailed third class, which means that they could be two-thirds of the way to their three-month expiration date by the time they arrive. And you can't get a new one if you fail to redeem yours before it expires. And the government can't print more until the ones they've already issued expire. Oh, and the switch goes down on Feb. 17th. Thanks again, Bush administration, you really got that organized well. So the Obama administration wants more time, a mere four months, to get this shit straightened out. The Senate gave it the O.K., but the Republicans of the House (only powerful in this situation because of a two-thirds requirement for speedy decisions) shot it down like Cheney shoots old men. Clearly, they are doing it wrong. This is supposed to be an easy one, guys! A meaningless gesture towards bipartisanship in the name of national TV reception! What will your constituants think when they find out that they can't watch Maury now because you decided to flex your tiny muscle over n-o-t-h-i-n-g? Could you be bigger assholes? Did Rush put you up to this so that more people would have to start listening to the radio? Come on!

Now, in the spirit of these aspiring-to-be-post-partisan times, I will admit that I am also baffled by some Democrats' seeming inability to comprehend properly paying taxes. What, we can come up with them but we can't comply with them? Seriously, Geithner, Daschle, what's going on there? Especially Geithner: money is what you do, so you just have no excuse. It's to early to be making our boy, the 'Bama, look bad like this. We can do better, let's try to step it up.

I am also irritated with the recent (and I suppose also past) activity of Wall Street execs, but I feel like that should be obviously, and I don't have anything new to add to the chorus of voices that have emerged to bemoan their brash avarice.

This post inspired by Frank Rich & Gail Collins. Yeah, I know. Liberal media. Well, suck my big hairy Congress-and-the-White-House balls.

Fuck Boston

2008-10-13T10:53:00.002-04:00

Man, fuck you, Boston. Fuck Kenmore Square, fuck poorly paved roads, fuck no bike lanes, and most of all, fuck those fancy grey brick crosswalks that cost more money than I bet you can justify. So they make cars slow down and not hit pedestrians. They make cyclists have to pay attention to the ground rather than what's in front of them because they're so fucking uneven that riding over them is an adventure in staying on your bike. And you don't think of anything other than cars and pedestrians (and not even the latter half the time judging from many of your sidewalks or lack thereof). Well fuck you. You better not walk in front of me while I'm riding down Comm Ave is all I can say.

MY COLON HATES ME.

2008-08-20T18:37:00.001-04:00

...Don't even ask.

Music!

2008-08-12T23:23:00.003-04:00

My latest obsessions: Walter Meego ("Forever"), Battles ("Atlas" and "Tonto"), Justice ("D.A.N.C.E." and "We Are Your Friends"), and Cold War Kids ("Hang Me Up To Dry"). Also, surprisingly, "I Will Possess Your Heart" by Death Cab For Cutie, whose stuff I'm generally not overfond of.

WORD.

Worried, Nervous, Uneasy, Apprehensive...

2008-03-31T11:59:00.003-04:00

I'm concerned about my use of adjectives. Perhaps it's because I've been reading H.P. Lovecraft, but I fear that my use of the language is deteriorating, and what's more, I think it may be due to instant messaging. I noticed it particularly while in the midst of my latest blog entry on the Independent Maiden in Eire, but was more concerned with simply posting than ensuring any level of quality. Nonetheless, it is something that's been weighing on my mind. The word "ebullient" just popped into my head and made me think of it again, because that's such a good word that no one uses. I don't want my mind to go the way of (seemingly) the rest of America's...you know, down the toilet. [I'm not always fan of Kristof's editorials but I can always get behind some intellectual snobbery.] "Excellent" and "indeed", in particular, are two words that could do with a bit of paring from my vocabulary. I'll be working on it...

Spontaneous thought

2008-01-22T10:44:00.001-05:00

"You are the sneeze that never quite sneezes."

Love Is...

2007-12-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

"A complex sequence of neurochemical reactions that makes people behave like idiots."
"That sounds more like intoxication."
"It's similar, but the hangover's even worse."

(courtesy of Questionable Content)

COOL.

2007-12-10T06:17:00.000-05:00

Meme

2007-11-25T07:49:00.000-05:00

I usually dislike posting memes, but I couldn't resist this one, not least of all because of the result. I don't know how much of it I agree with, both in terms of describing me and in describing Dionysus, but I suppose it's true enough, and fairly interesting:

Your Score: Dionysus

0% Extroversion, 33% Intuition, 83% Emotiveness, 76% Perceptiveness

Although deeply emotional, you are extremely lacking in self-knowledge. You are somewhat needy, and when bored, may become very hedonistic. Your life is a quest for meaning, above all else. You are most like Dionysus. You are primarily interested in serving others, but your efforts are almost always unappreciated. You aren't confrontational, you're often out of tune with your own needs and unaware of the consequences of your own actions.

You are, at heart, a good person. You are very affectionate, and you are very loyal to your friends and family. You are very reluctant to burden others with your own problems, to the point that this in itself can become a problem for the people who care about you. This is a particular of a more general problem. Dionysus sends wave of ruin throughout his personal life. He is the photographer who seduces his subjects. He is the teacher who seduces a student. He is the art student who paints nonrepresentational splashes of color, he is the poet who rejects meter and content. You seek sexual partners more than anything else (this is to exploit the nurturing side of others to help fill your own void). If not sexual partners, this desire to become the object of sympathy with other people can manifest itself in other destructive ways. Stinkfist by Tool explains your condition pretty well. It's very likely that you haven't had many experienced mentors. You don't want them either, because you're the sort of person who rejects criticism and boundaries, but they're also your only hope for reaching any kind of emotional maturity.

Famous People Like You: John Lennon, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Hugh Hefner

I'd tell you to stay clear of Hermes, Icarus and Apollo, but you could probably learn something from them. You're least likely to hurt The Oracle, Atlas, Prometheus, and Daedalus, but Atlas and Daedalus won't like you very much.
Seek out: The Oracle, Prometheus

Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Crisis of Faith

2007-11-05T17:27:00.000-05:00

Why am I still in college? Why am I getting an undergraduate degree in something I don't even truly in my heart of hearts believe that I'm going to pursue? I feel like I might be wasting my time. There is so much I want to do but can't because of classes and the need to perform academically. I'm not sure how much I care anymore. I feel like such a typical early-twenties type saying this, but really, all I want to do is enjoy my youth while I have it, and fuck, I feel like I'm wasting away!

I'm burning out, and it's scary.

Is this okay?

2007-11-01T12:19:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I think I'm doing really well. Sometimes I even think I'm okay with it. And sometimes it takes so much effort to keep going in the right direction. There's always that little niggling temptation to stay in all day and gorge on Pot Noodles and ice cream.

I don't know how to feel...

2007-10-24T16:11:00.000-04:00

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now, and I don't know how I actually feel right now. I can only feel bits and pieces. I feel irritated, with myself, with him. I feel dropped, like I was the stronger one but he was the one pulling? No, that's not quite right. I don't know. I feel relaxed? Like I know that it's just a break that will be fixed later. But I feel a bit nervous, because what if it isn't? And I feel sad, because I miss him, and I want to be with him so much, but I can't, and he can't be with me because of that, I guess. And I feel confused, because I feel other things, but deeper down so I can't quite tell what they are yet. And I'm nervous again because I don't know what they'll be when they surface. But I what I do know is that whatever is going on in my head, I have to keep moving forward, doing my work, leaving the house, seeing my friends, because that's why I'm here, and my being here is why this happened, so what's the point of not taking advantage of being here? Then I'll really have nothing.

Bad Hair Day

2007-10-03T07:26:00.003-04:00

I need a haircut, and fast. My hair is all hippie-hipster-housewife, when what I want it to be is "counterculture dreamgirl". Shit yo.

RJD2: Musical God

2007-09-30T11:07:00.001-04:00

So I got two CDs for my birthday from my aunt: The Books' Lost and Safe and RJD2's The Third Hand. When I'd finished listening to the Books' album, I thought, "geez, that was a really good album. I am glad I have that album now." When I'd finished listening to RJD2's album, I couldn't think anything and simply had to listen to it again.

IT. IS. SO. GOOD.

RJD2, for the uninitiated, is a Philly-based indie hip-hop producer who, in 2006, broke away from his hip-hop label to release The Third Hand with an indie rock label. It is not really "indie rock", per se. It's far more complex that can be easily categorized. It is simply awesome. If I could make out with this album, I would. It's that good. In fact, I'm going to go listen to it again.

Hypocrite

2007-09-08T05:58:00.000-04:00

I'm a huge hypocritical bitch and I feel bad about it, but not quite so bad that I'm going to make up for it by being friends with Maggie, because shit, she annoys me. But I'm still a huge hypocrite and that brings a certain degree of self-loathing with it.

Poop.

-Kate

Fuck People

2007-09-06T16:59:00.000-04:00

I really hope I'm oversensitive to other people's actions, because if I let myself gauge things according to my present instinct, I would say that I got ditched this evening. And not just this evening, but on a semi-regular, if infrequent, basis in life. And when I get ditched, it's always because I'm with annoying people, and I just get left with the annoying people while all the fun kids go off somewhere else and have fun. I mean, I understand I just got here, but I'm so lonely now because the one group of people I know have gone off somewhere, won't tell me where, and I'm stuck in the suite with Amanda (who's totally fine) and Maggie, who I am having a really difficult time being around. And this fucking time difference means that there's virtually no one online right now to talk to, and Jon's not around, and I just want to sit in my room and cry. Actually, no, that's what I AM doing. What I want to do is make a cup of chamomile tea in one of my new English tea cups and drink it in the living room while watching a movie, but I can't do that because Maggie will join me and talk to me and I don't want to deal with that right now. Actually, I don't want to deal with anyone right now. Goddamn. This sucks.

-Kate

New Blog!

2007-09-05T19:47:00.001-04:00

I should point out for the sake of my loyal readership of one that I have started a new blog for documenting my year abroad in Ireland: The Independent Maiden In Eire.

That is all.

-Kate

Dammit, Sir Paul!

2007-06-12T00:42:00.000-04:00

I don't like Paul McCartney. I like who he was; I love the Beatles, and I think that neither Lennon nor McCartney were ever as good separately as they were together. But I think solo Lennon got a lot closer to that level of quality song writing. And as McCartney gets older and older his songs seem to become more and more of the same old thing with fewer innovations and new things, and his personal life becomes more and more pathetic (c'mon, who doesn't sign a pre-nup when marrying a chick half your age?) And don't even get me started on how much of an ass I think he is for fathering a child that late in life.

But Sir Paul's latest single, "My Ever Present Past", has reached new heights of bugging the shit out of me. That it is so utterly unoriginal and so totally devoid of insight only serves to highlight the horror of its inescapable catchiness. I've had it stuck in my head all day, and what's worse is that when it comes on the radio I almost find myself to be enjoying it, despite the fact that I think that its complete dogshit. The man is corroding my fine musical tastes! He must be stopped before he depletes the world of what little good judgment it has!

And someone needs to erase the line "I've got no time to be a decent lover" from my mind, because the dude's old, and that shit is gross.

-Kate

Night Vision

2007-06-09T22:56:00.000-04:00

The streetlights around Philadelphia's city hall are yellow, and it washes away all color and detail, making the streets seem unfriendly, even threatening. It doesn't help that many of the people in that neighborhood are black, making the details of their faces that much harder to discern. It's odd, because they make the streets seem well lit but deprive people from full use of their vision. I can see much more in dimmer lighting that isn't that unpleasant sodium glow. Can't they put it through a filter or something? It's really hostile, and it's not like Philly couldn't use everything it can get to improve its image.

-Kate

P.S. As I think about the science behind the light, I realize they probably can't filter it without making it completely dark. Crap. That shit's annoying.

Insomnia

2007-05-31T02:13:00.001-04:00

What the fuck? Why can't I sleep? I've been laying in bed for 2 hours, awake for 14, and I'm not even a little drowsy.

It's something about my parents' house. My body rejects reasonable schedules while I'm here, no matter how hard I try. I can't live here next summer, that's for damn sure, man. I am no longer in sync with my parents' way of life. I can't handle it. And I have to be up in about 6 hours. God damn this shit.

-Kate

This video pretty much sums up my dorm experience so far.

2007-05-29T01:30:00.000-04:00

(I was the one holding the camera.)

-Kate

Life Stories

2007-05-22T00:13:00.000-04:00

I find this article in the Times, about how our personalities are influenced and described by the style of our first-person narratives, really interesting. I remember from middle school when I started framing my life as a story in my head. I don't know about anyone else, but I find it fascinating. (Ha ha?) And their discussion of first-person vs. third-person perspectives is definitely intriguing, as I tend to imagine myself in the third person when I'm contemplating past or future situations. Maybe that's why I am, as at least my mom thinks I am, so level-headed.

A side note: I've always found the best books are the ones that make me think more about them than about my internal narrative. (Then again, I'm pretty narcissistic, at least in my head; that's why I have this thing.)

-Kate

You can't spell BULLSHIT without BU!

2007-05-21T01:00:00.000-04:00

With respect to your request regarding the Trustee Scholars, Mrs. Shannon tells me that the letter you received from President Brown did not offer reinstatement to the program. Reinstatement is not automatic with improved GPA; it is at the discretion of the President.

I did not get a letter from President Brown saying anything, let alone anything about my Trustee scholarship. Nor was I ever informed that it was "at the discretion of the President" whether or not I got my money; in fact, I was told that if you get a 3.5 again, you get the money. But then again, I've been told a lot of things. For instance, I was told that if I got the scholarship, I shouldn't worry about managing to keep up the 3.5 GPA. Too bad that wasn't true.

I didn't even expect the money back. I didn't think I was going to make the GPA this year; I just kept doing the work and learning the material -- y'know, like I'm supposed to, as a student. And then I got the grades. And I thought, "oh, how nice. And maybe I'll even get the scholarship back." But I knew I might not, what with my leave of absence and all. And I was okay with that. It's just the way in which they present this that gets me upset. "At the discretion of the President," indeed. What does the President know about any of this? I met him, once, briefly, nearly two years ago, and I would be damn surprised if he remembered it. He doesn't know me. What good is his judgment here? Who is he to have such discretion? And why did he decide that I'm not worthy for their fucking elitist bullshit "program"? Why not me? What's wrong with me? Because I'm not in student governments, or that clusterfuck known as the Allocations Board?

I'm not even really angry. I'm too tired to be angry. I've used up all my anger at BU. I've settled into a sort of depressed hopelessness, tinged with bitter resentment. It's really a shame. And the professor from whose email I took the above quote is quite a nice guy. How he got involved with the horror of the rest of this program, I don't know. I just feel cheated, is all, and it's not fair, and I don't think it's right, but there's not much I can do about it. Even if there was, I doubt I could muster the intense drive it would require. I just wish that I could feel like my university had me as a priority. Y'know, since I'm paying them (now) and all. Isn't that what they're supposed to do? Aren't they here for the students?

I guess not.

-Kate

Grades

2007-05-16T10:50:00.000-04:00

I...I got an A! (In Core!) I was expecting an A-, maybe even a B+, but no, I got an A! Woah. This makes my semester GPA a 3.67, which makes my year GPA a 3.57, which means that I might be getting my scholarship back. I...I...I was not expecting this to actually work out. I don't know quite how to go about this. I just hope they don't go trying to make a thing about my leave of absence, since I did that before I got all my grades in and I hardly expect them to pay for my external program. But what with rapidly rising tuition prices, it sure would be nice if they paid for senior year. Then maybe I could go to grad school and still avoid getting put in a choke-hold by student loans.

Woah.

I got an A.

-Kate

P.S. Actually, I got two A's, but I was expecting the one in Greek Drama & Film, since all I had to do on the exams was parrot back at him what he expounded at us in class. And, if you're interested, I got B+'s in my other two classes, which has the further implication of securing my being awarded college honors, woot.

Materialism

2007-05-14T15:47:00.001-04:00

I've decided that I need to minimize the amount of Things in my life. After having to drive 2 cars back from Boston because of the large amount of Things I had there, and now trying to find a place to put them all in my already-crowded room/house, I've come to the realization that I have far more stuff than I ever use. It's just unnecessary. So I'm going to embark on a massive and bold new project: Get Rid of Things. I've grown up as a pack rat: when I was having trouble in my 11th grade physics class (mostly because I tended to fall asleep in that class quite a bit), my dad dug up a physics test he'd taken in high school and got a B on. And while my mom would like to think of herself as being more on the minimalist side, she has a tendency to keep Things with the thought that they will be of use in some future art project or party stunt or something. Sometimes they are, actually, which is why I've kept so much stuff, but mostly they're not. Mostly, they just get in the way and clutter my room and, sometimes, make me feel kind of oppressed and overwhelmed.

Also, I'm trying to detach myself to a degree from material goods. This is not so much a spiritual move, as I don't see physical attachment as any overarching sort of significant constraint on spiritual transcendence, but a lifestyle choice of the kind that falls in line with my political and social ideals. Fewer Things means less energy and therefore less pollution. Fewer Things also frequently means less commercialism and corporatism and mass apathy. I am, for instance, trying to cut retail shopping out of my life as much as is reasonably possible (for example, I recognize that food cannot really be bought second-hand, as that would be gross). But there's nothing non-consumable that I need at this point, and there's certainly plenty of second-hand merchandise out there that will more than satisfy my wants, so why should I put my money into a system of corporations that produce so much that I find objectionable? I'd rather spend my money on unique and limited experiences, like concert or plane tickets. (Plus, second-hand is cheaper, innit?)

So, I will be getting rid of a lot of things, like clothes, books, old toys, and trinkets galore. I'll still have plenty of Things, I'm sure. I'm no stranger to sentimental value. That painting of a girl with a parasol that I picked up for free after an art class will still be in my room (plus, it goes really well with my wall paint). That excellent skeleton marionette that my uncle gave me for el Día de los Muertos is totally staying around. But that ugly Pepe le Pew toy from god-knows-what carnival is going, along with a lot of other stupid things I don't need or want and have just kept around because I'm too lazy to get rid of them. And it's about damn time, too.

-Kate

Final Progress Report

2007-05-09T23:28:00.000-04:00

I totally forgot: I'M DONE. As of yesterday, 'bout noon-ish. Thank goodness that's over!

-Kate

Chubby

2007-05-09T21:09:00.000-04:00

I'm not chubby. I've never been chubby. I hope never to become chubby. But "chubby" is what was shouted at me today when I had the opportunity to feel like a true cyclist.

I rode my bike to visit Skyler at Tealuxe early this evening, using main roads, going with the flow of traffic, wearing my helmet -- y'know, generally being a good cyclist. I was on the right side of the right-hand lane and came to a stop at a red light. I was about 3 cars back, just in front of another white sedan that definitely knew I was there. The front two cars had their turn signals on, so I decided not to pull up next to them so that they could turn. The third car put its turn signal on when it was already into the turn. "Gee, thanks," I thought, as I started pedaling...

...And put on the brakes as the car that was just behind me (without its turn signal on) began to turn in front of my path of travel. Seeing me, he stopped and made a very sarcastic "after you" gesture. Then, after I'd passed and he was almost through the turn, he shouted "Chubby!" at me. My automatic response was to shout "Fuck you!" right back at him (immediately followed by my internally congratulating myself on having developed the appropriate cyclist reflex response).

When I got to Tealuxe, I told Skyler (an avid cyclist herself) what had happened. She made the excellent point that I was the one on the bike. And he was certainly not slender himself. But it really bothered me. I think partly because yeah, I'm conscious of my body fat, I know I don't have a flat stomach or toned thighs, and I don't like when people point out my physical imperfections. But I think mostly because, dammit, I had the right of way, I'm on the bike, it's a lot harder for me to start and stop than it is for him, and, well, it was a dick move for him to be a little bitch about it. I hope reciprocity bites him in the ass. Hard.

-Kate

Maybe if I think about sandpaper...

2007-05-07T17:05:00.000-04:00

Sometimes there are songs that get into my brain and won't leave. It's usually something about the rhythm that causes an itch that I just cannot scratch away. Beck's "Girl" was like that for a couple months after it came out until I listened to it almost constantly and eventually (slowly) got tired of it.

Last night I was having trouble sleeping because I was thinking so much, and most of what I was thinking can be summarized thus: "GODDAMN The Roots' 'Water' is such a damn good song!" Seriously, I don't know what it is, I think it's something about the clapping, but it will not get out of my head! I really like it, but it itches so badly! I think what I need to do is listen to it with the volume and bass turned way up on repeat until I can't take it anymore.

But seriously. The Roots are awesome. Plus they're from Philly. Represent, yo.

-Kate

Progress Report III

2007-05-02T11:35:00.000-04:00

The third paper is finished and all three have been handed in!

*deep breath*

Cool.

Now just an in-class quiz and take-home final this week and one more 5-page essay (which by now feels like nothing) and 2 finals next week.

I can do this! Woo! *chugs coffee*

-Kate

P.S. It's been confirmed: next year, I'm attending University College Dublin and taking courses in archaeology and Irish folklore. SCORE.

Progress Report II

2007-04-30T04:07:00.000-04:00

THE SECOND (AND LONGEST) PAPER IS FINISHED! To quote my fortune cookie from earlier, "Hallelujah!"

(No really, that's what it said.)

-Kate

Madness!

2007-04-29T13:19:00.000-04:00

There simply has got to be some fundamental problem with the society I'm surrounded by. How else does one explain the mental states of all of my closest friends -- and myself? Or is it something within me that attracts me to the unbalanced? Or is abnormality in fact the norm of human existence? Are we meant to be fundamentally unhappy? No, I cannot believe that to be the case. I have seen and been a part of healthy, supportive environments; I know that they're possible. Conflict and strife must, of course, be a part of life; I'm not so naive as to believe Utopian societies feasible. But what I don't understand is how the healthy environments can be so outnumbered and overwhelmed by what I currently see around me. I'm torn between a great love for my friends and fellow humans and a great, seething hatred for all those that would destroy, steal, usurp, abuse. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion right now that I'm having a difficult time even properly expressing what I see as the problem. I can't understand why the world is as bad as it is, and why more people aren't working to make it better, and, indeed, why so many people seem to be working to make it worse. I find it despicable, shocking, and completely unacceptable. And moreover, I don't know how much more of it I can take or what I will do when I reach my limit.

But I love so much! It is so hard to reconcile that love with all the hate I see! And I'm afraid that one day this conflict will work itself into my head and produce another profoundly fractured mind. I want so much to be able to help, but what can I do? What is there for me to do to fix something when I can't even figure out how it's broken? Ah! I don't want to give up, to become hard and embittered, but I fear that's what it may come to in the end.

Perhaps the problem is the pressure my generation has to face. Whether they mean to or not, our parents' generation has placed an enormous burden on us. They push us to take advantage of opportunities they didn't have, regardless of whether or not this pushing is healthy for us. They want us to make the best of ourselves, but by what is this "best" being measured? By their standards, or our own? How much of what they want for us is something we want for ourselves? Even the history of our parents' generation is a burden on our shoulders, a constant tap on our shoulders asking, "what are you doing with your youth? Are you effecting change, or just posting camera-phone nudes of yourself on your mySpace?" I think that my generation suffers from a feeling of inferiority; we are the youngest child of history in a family of Ivy-League valedictorian siblings, making our greatest achievements nothing more than fulfilling expectations. We ask ourselves what we can do that will distinguish us, that will make us great. Some of us give up right then; others push themselves beyond their limits and do themselves harm. We are tightly wound, highly organized, strictly scheduled, and heavily medicated. We are good at everything and achieve nothing. We are FUCKED UP, and until our generation is too old to keep pushing, we will never be able to relax.

-Kate

Sunshowers

2007-04-28T17:49:00.000-04:00

I feel least at odds with the weather when it is raining and sunny out. I mean, I appreciate lots of different kinds of weather, but most of the time the weather still feels like a distinctly different thing from what I am. This is probably because it is. Sunshowers, however, I can feel a solidarity with. They may confuse most people, but man, sunshowers and I get each other. I swear this makes sense in my head.

-Kate

Progress Report

2007-04-27T10:59:00.001-04:00

1 paper down....2 more + 1 take-home final + 1 (in-class quiz + take-home essay) + 2 finals to go!

*deep breaths*

-Kate

An unwelcome development

2007-04-19T23:28:00.000-04:00

I am burning out just as my workload is peaking. This is not good, for obvious reasons. I'm trying to force myself to work, but it is very, very difficult, and I can only keep it up for short bursts at a time. I feel like there's a lot of pressure building inside my middle and no outlet, so it's just squooshing around making me uncomfortable all the time. I feel like I'm shackled; I can't have fun because I have all this work looming over me, but I can't do the work because I don't have any way of release in the form of fun. And to top it all off, my sleep cycles are not going properly, further fucking up my productivity. It's as though my mind is in some sort of limbo between being efficient and productive and totally letting go and being completely carefree, leaving me with the inability to do anything at all. Goddammit all! Why can't I just get shit done like everyone else?! Why must it always be this ridiculous production?! FUCKING HELL!

-Kate

Genius

2007-04-16T18:39:00.000-04:00

To anyone at all ever who sees this: please go check out the Books.

They are amazing. I saw them perform at the Somerville Theatre last night and they reaffirmed my faith in the creative forces of humanity. Also, Greg Davis opened for them and did some very cool things with electronics.

I'd forgotten how effectively a good concert can be for restoring me.

-Kate

Postscript to Bittersweet

2007-04-12T15:49:00.000-04:00

It's not on gloomy days that I get moody, it's on beautiful ones. Yesterday was gorgeous, and I spent it sulking. Today is disgusting, and I feel delightful. Hmm.

-Kate

Bittersweet

2007-04-08T23:31:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I just want to revel in a mood of beautiful tragedy. On the right day (usually a bright but overcast one), with the right music (frequently Elliott Smith), I will actually start to cry silently, and it feels good in the most perverse way. When I cry from a specific sadness it tends to be in choking, hiccough-y sobs. In a beautifully tragic mood, however, I can cry the slow tears of Hollywood starlets, the kind that start as a welling of the eyes until one tear makes it over my lower lid and slides straight down my cheek, and my watery eyes reflect the clouds outside as I look sightlessly out the window.

The problem with my beautifully tragic moods is that I don't have an effective way of shaking them. They just stale and fester into sour bitterness, or I'm shaken rudely out of them before it's time by a well-meaning friend. I think what I'd like is someone to share the beautiful tragedy of life with, who will stare out the window with me, until we both start seeing more and more of the beauty and less and less of the tragedy. And then we make out. I think that would cap things off nicely. But in the meantime, I'll just have to make due with enjoying my moods even without the proper endings.

-Kate

April in Boston

2007-04-06T20:38:00.000-04:00

Ahh, yes. It's that time of year again. No no, not spring, silly. That won't be up this far north until May. No, I speak of college decisions time, when mediocre colleges hire students to shill the school for all it's worth (which, in this case, is not very much). All the Fridays become "Freshman Fridays", when idiot parents and their idiot kids clog up everything. There was a sign in front of my dining hall today suggesting that we use 2 of the smaller ones because of the visitors. The GSU and the CAS lobby were full of them milling around and walking veeeeery slowly, I'm sure so they could "take it all in" (as if there's that much to take). The sidewalks are always full of tour groups, and at each stop they make the group spreads out so that no one who actually has somewhere to go can get past (though it was admittedly worse when their were snowbanks everywhere)...even Bay State Road is seeing a significant increase in traffic, which makes it a bitch to jaywalk. I think people forget when they come here that it is an actual functioning college campus, and that we're not hired extras: we actually have shit to do.

And all these freaking banners and badges and folding tables with stupid red velcro-on table skirts, all to try and beautify our school (it's gonna take more than that; I was horrified by the campus on my tour). It makes me nauseous ever time I look at them. I hate all the lying and seduction on the part of colleges; if your college is that great, do you really need all this extra stuff? Shouldn't kids just get the right vibe from it?

And then there's the fun emails from the Core Curriculum and CAS Honors Program offices, asking for volunteers to have lunch with a prospective student, or show them around campus. Trust me, you guys, you do not want me talking to people you're trying to convince to come here. "Don't do it. Trust me. It will kill your soul. They offered you money? Of course they did, they offer everyone money. But they'll take it away by next year, maybe even by next semester. I've seen it happen. Many times." Yeah, I don't think that's what they're looking for in a volunteer.

It's not like I don't remember what it was like to pick out a college, it's that I remember all too well. I feel like BU seduced me, felt me up, got bored with me when I couldn't do that thing with my tongue right, and tossed me to the curb. I feel cheated and mislead, and I'm bitter that I don't think the school will ever be properly held accountable for its actions because it is too draining to any of the people who are the type to do it, myself included. And anyone who is willing to do it is too stupid to do it right, like the so-called "Anti-Authoritarian and Anarchist Club", a walking, talking oxymoron of a group...but that's a rant best saved for another day.

-Kate

P.S. For more on how the college application process is utter stupidity, look here.

I hate academia.

2007-04-02T02:24:00.000-04:00

That's it. There's no way that I can do this for the rest of my life. I fucking hate writing papers. I hate it. It doesn't matter what it's on, I hate it. It might be the most interesting thing in the world, but assign me a 5-ish page paper on it and it will instantly become the most loathsome topic in the Universe, both known and unknown. I don't know what this means for my future, but holy fuck on a stick I can't stand this shit anymore! And what makes it so much worse tonight is that I know I'm going to have to do this all over again tomorrow on a topic I find even less interesting. What the fuck?! ARGH! And there's nothing I can do about any of it! SHIIIIIIIIIT! AAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH!! THERE IS NOT ENOUGH REPETITION OF LETTERS, NOT CAPS THAT ARE BIG ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE MY FRUSTRATION AND DESPAIR! SERIOUSLY! This shit brings out bad self-destructive tendancies, too, and I only hope I remain strong enough to subdue them.

-Kate

The scene makes sense in my head, at least.

2007-03-30T17:16:00.000-04:00

"The girl has very little art."

"No...no, she has a great deal of art in her. It's merely that she isn't crafty."

shits pants

2007-03-21T14:19:00.000-04:00

I had 3 classes today. In the first, we were told that now is the time to start working on our 8-10 page final paper, and need to turn in our topic next Wednesday. I don't know what I'm doing. In the second, we were given the list of possible topics for our 12-15 page final research paper, and we need to decide which we're doing by next Wednesday. I've narrowed it down to six different options. In the third, we were told that we need to hand in a paragraph on what we're doing for our final paper of indeterminate length. It has to involve field work. I have an extremely vague idea for it.

So next Wednesday I need to have 3 paper topics. Next Thursday, I have a test in medieval history, with the essay component due the following Tuesday. Next Friday, I have a 4-6 page paper due that I haven't started at all.

Hey, uh, guys? This is a very perverse way of saying, "Welcome back, hope you had a good spring break."

-Kate

Random Moment of Inspiration

2007-03-19T10:53:00.000-04:00

My spring break rocked so hard, there should be an electric guitar solo every time it's mentioned.

-Kate

P.S.

T-Rex has expressed my own deepest desires in a way I never could.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-03-04T00:32:00.000-05:00

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

(A MyHeritage.com autopost.)

-Kate

I think I have another crush...

2007-03-01T21:22:00.000-05:00

I know I've been posting a lot of videos, but they're so good, and this song is stuck in my head, and goddamn it its my blog and I can do what I damn well please with it. It's not like any of you imaginary readers are gonna complain.

-Kate

The Fyoochure!

2007-02-28T14:49:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I am living in the future. Today I woke up 3 hours before my alarm went off, convinced that it was March 1st. I've been wearing my spring coat for a week now and I keep forgetting that I still need to wear a cardigan over my t-shirt because the classrooms are drafty because it's still cold out. I also keep thinking spring break is sooner than it is and that I've done more work than I have. This is a problem, but I don't know what I can do about it.

And so I leave you all with this final thought, courtesy of Tom Wilson, a.k.a. that guy that played Biff in the Back to the Future trilogy.

-Kate

Is it spring yet?

2007-02-26T23:24:00.000-05:00

"Winter is Nature's way of saying, 'Up yours.'" - Robert Byrne

I know, I know, we got off really easy this winter, it was very short, I'm well aware of that. But last Friday, I took a deep breath that spoke to me of Spring, and ever since I can't shake the feeling that it's so close, but just out of reach. Spring is my favorite season, and it never lasts long enough, but I can see it on the horizon and I am getting impatient for it!

-Kate

Partyparty

2007-02-24T10:48:00.000-05:00

Oh friends, I found the "Cool Kids", and it was all that I'd imagined and more, which is to say extraordinarily awkward. All these people who I've had marginal interaction with, at a party together. Reactions ranged from avoiding eye contact and ignoring me to awkward head nods to being introduced by a friend and laughing awkwardly the whole time to (on the more successful end of the spectrum) dancing and actually having a decent conversation.

All in all, though, I can't see doing that very frequently. The apartment was absolutely jam-packed with people, most of whom were dancing to the loud music that people kept fucking with so songs kept stopping in a retarded manner while they changed it. They'd run out of alcohol by the time I got there, which doesn't surprise me because there were a lot of people. I don't function well in large crowds like that, and I don't function well in a group of strangers and quasi-strangers. I had fun, but certainly not in the beginning, until more people I know showed up. I'm way more into chill groups of friends. It's good to reconfirm that every once in a while.

-Kate

I am in love.

2007-02-21T02:03:00.000-05:00

No, Duckie, you don't offend. You're just perfect.

-Kate

Ahhh, shit.

2007-02-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

I give up. There goes my hope for the future. And I'd been feeling so optimistic yesterday after watching Al Franken's video announcement that he's running for the US Senate in Minnesota. Damn it.

-Kate

I reject your boxes.

2007-02-15T21:59:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who remembers when people were hatin' on John Mayer? Because I remember defending him, and then getting tired of it and giving up. I am not proud of my occasional tendency to suppress my own tastes and preferences because of certain groups that I like to associate with deeming them uncool, or certain other groups that I like to disassociate myself with deeming them super-awesome. I am slowly learning how to fight this. This is a step in the right direction:

I like John Mayer. I liked John Mayer's first album. And his second. And, damn it, I'm going to go rediscover him now. Fuck all y'all.

-Kate

Music is always the answer.

2007-02-13T23:40:00.000-05:00

Problem: Jennifer, former roommate and curse from Satan, is in the room across the hall, laughing loudly and horribly.

Solution?

DAFT PUNK, MOTHAFUCKAZ!

Look for the video on YouTube, coming soon.

-Kate

groan

2007-02-05T14:28:00.000-05:00

Remember how I said I was fucked? Yeah, well, I still am.

First paper: Feb. 14th, requiring 3 secondary sources
First test: Feb. 22th, with a take-home essay part due the 22nd
First abstract: Feb. 7th, for a paper due March 9th

Do I know what I'm doing for any of these? Not at all.
Am I caught up on reading for any of my classes? Not at all.
Will I be doing anything fun until Spring Break? Probably not at all.

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap.

-Kate

I betcha Rousseau would've been a blogger.

2007-02-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

I've been reading selections of Jean-Jacques Rousseau's The Confessions for my humanities course. While I find it pretty interesting, and definitely easier to read than, say, epic poetry (which literally puts me to sleep without fail every time I try to read it, despite however interesting the plot may be), I have a problem with all of his hedging. It's clearly an exercise in narcissism, which I have no real problem with, but it's the plentiful hypocrisies in it that bother me. Every time he pauses in the narrative to say, yet another time, that he means to represent a full, uncensored, director's-cut edition of his life to us I believe him less. Which is actually totally appropriate, since he certainly does leave out a lot of significant details and surrounding circumstances. If he didn't keep claiming all the time that he was presenting the complete and total truth I wouldn't mind; every autobiographer has the right to tactful editing, if just for the sake of keeping the reader's interest rather than flattering oneself. But, goddamn it, Rousseau, you just keep hammering the point home, to your own ruin!

I'm also trying to ignore the inconsistencies regarding his descriptions of his emotions during any given situation, because memories of emotion are notoriously unreliable. Still, the whole thing makes me wonder if he had anyone other than himself proofread the original manuscript, so they could point out, "say, J.J., you mention here on your journey to Turin at 16 that it was the most contented you'd ever been. Did you say back at that priest's house in France that you were never perfectly contented after that beating they gave you for the comb?" That would be a big improvement, I think, though almost certainly not so telling about Rousseau as an individual, which seems to be the overall point of the whole thing.

In fact, that reminds me of another source of irritation from this: he introduces it with talk about how he is "made unlike any one I have ever met; I will even venture to say that I am like no one in the whole world." Well golly, good for you, Rousseau! You're a snowflake! But, you see, we're in a blizzard here. I think it would've been great for him to have been able to go to a support group and realize, yeah, sure, we're all different, but your specific types of miseries aren't as abnormal as you think they are. In fact, we now even have a term for people like Rousseau: "emo". But at least he writes a shitload better than your average 14-year-old wrist-cutting poet.

-Kate

P.S. I do, in fact, enjoy this book, but it's not perfect, is all I'm saying.

I still think astrology is a pile of dung, though.

2007-01-28T00:36:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I was at a party, and this girl asked me what my sign was. Not in the cheesy, '70s pick-up line way, but in the flaky, new-agey believer way. I actually think the original question posed was something like, "You're not a Sagittarius, are you?" I told her I was a Virgo, and she seemed relieved but unsurprised. Then she said something which was interesting, because it mirrored something I've been idly contemplating lately. She said that I probably bonded with guys best - not that I didn't have girl-friends, but that I was mostly comfortable with guys.

This is true. I have been working on my own personal view of the genders, recently, and I'm becoming comfortable with the idea of guys tending to become "Great" more than girls. I think it comes down to basic tendencies; girls don't (usually) feel that drive for widespread recognition that seems to be a fairly characteristic trait of guys. I know I don't (which is a whole other kettle of fish that I will probably feel like discussing in a later post, but not know). For now, I'll just say that I am most comfortable being the support for a larger driving force. But I do crave being around said driving force, which, according to my aforementioned postulation, would tend to be masculine.

This also ties into my desire to surround myself with people I consider in some way superior to me. I've noticed that my strongest friendships are with those I admire for some significant part (or whole) of their personality. Likewise, my friendships tend to break down when I stop feeling that sense of admiration. And despite my disinclination to become great myself, I certainly admire greatness and therefore want my friends to be the sort of people who strive towards some form of greatness...and who therefore are generally masculine.

Of course, like all things in life, this is not a steadfast rule, just a general guideline of my behavior. But it is a definite trend that I've been observing from the back of my mind for several years. Also important to note is that when I say "masculine" I do not mean necessarily male. This whole thing also explains my distaste for "girly-girls". (That, and they're frivolous and irritating in general.)

From all this can really be drawn one over-arching conclusion: Freud was off the mark (again) when he said the Irish have no use for psychoanalysis. Silly Freud.

-Kate

Life!

2007-01-22T18:36:00.000-05:00

...is very complicated. (Ambiguity: it's what's fer dinner!)

-Kate

Fischerspooner is some good stuff.

2007-01-22T11:09:00.000-05:00

This has been another reaffirmation from your friends at the Independent Maiden.

-Kate

P.S. The mail room gig is a good one.

Panic Attack!

2007-01-17T14:09:00.000-05:00

Ho-hoh-hooooly shit I will never not be doing work until May oh my GOD. So....many papers....and the reading! Oh my god the reading! And an ethnographic study of some local religious group?!?! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

-Kate

Fuck you, Bus.

2007-01-17T08:55:00.000-05:00

Boston University has a free shuttle that goes around it's campus, cleverly named "The BUs" (get it, BU, bus, hah). Today, I tried to take it to the FitRec to go to my swim class, because I desire to not be a fatass, but also not to pay $4 roundtrip fare on the T or freeze to death. So I waited for the Bus. It was late. On an 8-degree morning. On which I had gotten there early, to make sure I wouldn't miss it. And then it stopped around the corner from where the map on the website would seem to indicate it stops. So I waited 15 minutes in single-digit temperatures for nothing. FUCK THAT.

Not to say I'm not going to try it again on Monday. After all, I don't wanna be a fatass.

-Kate

P.S. For the sake of accuracy: the subtitle to Topics In Myth has apparently changed to Greek Drama and Film.

"waiting for soon"

2007-01-15T22:43:00.000-05:00

From expoding dog, 1.23.06: waiting for soon.

I am waiting for soon. It is taking a looooooooooooong time. I've been waiting since before my last post about waiting. But soon is tomorrow at 9:30! Because that's when classes start. First up, 1 1/2 hours of Topics in Myth: Archetypal Themes in Literature and Film! And later, History of Medieval Europe and Core Humanities 4: from Enlightenment to Modernity. Academia, here I come.

I do wish the mail room would contact me, though, so I know whether or not they expect me to show up for work tomorrow, since they never sent me a definite confirmation on getting hired.

Ugh, 3 day weekends can be such a hassle. There are several issues brought to my attention after 5:00 on Friday that need resolution, and 3 days seems like forever when you have as little to do as I have had. And the weather wasn't even nice enough for me to go shopping for food or housewares. Not that I could get all my food, since the MicroFridge that they said would be moved to my room over break isn't here (an example of a problem that the 3 day weekend delayed the resolution of).

But tomorrow, a Beginning! Yes!

-Kate

P.S. I don't remember at all why I posted that Dinosaur Comic down there....

Daft Punk is a whole lot of fun.

2007-01-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

This has been a reaffirmation from your friends at The Independent Maiden.

-Kate

My life is a series of webcomics.

2007-01-12T00:17:00.000-05:00

from Dinosaur Comics
see also: exploding dog, 9.22.06

I am spinning clockwise; the wrong bits of my life are the ones that go slowly.

-Kate

This is how I aspire to be.

2007-01-08T01:02:00.000-05:00

from Tatsuya Ishida' SinFest,
"2006-10-29: Innocence 7"

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

2007-01-05T12:53:00.000-05:00

I am very addicted to instant messaging. This is normally not too much of a problem; it helps me vent when in the midst of writing papers, and it keeps me in touch with far-away people. But the pitfall of IMing is a large one: it's too easy. When you're typing at a screen, it's all to simple to forget that there's a person on the other end, reading and processing what you're saying. (The same is true for blogging, in a way, but since I don't think anyone's actually reading this I'm not too concerned.) The point is, there are scenarios and dialogues that play out in my head that are not actually things that I'd like to enter the real world. I allow my fantasy indulgences in stupid little things in order to eradicate them from actually emerging. But when I can't keep it in my head that other people are involved, I forget to suppress the bullshit fantasies, and I say things that I look at later and think, "what? Crap, I sound like a twit!"

And then, like I said yesterday, these things float back into my head when I'm sitting here alone with nothing better to think about, and they poke at my and torture me until I go find someone to talk to, and say something else dumb, and then it starts over and over and over again.

Fuck this, it's time to read a book or some shit.

-Kate

Sanctuary

2007-01-04T15:35:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful thing that sanctuary can come in the form of music. Right now I'm listening to Ani DiFranco's Knuckle Down, and it's soothing my fragmented mind that was buzzing in several different directions at once. (How come it's the stupid things that I say to fill the silence that are the things that float back to me when I'm in a silence on my own?)

But it's interesting to me that the songs I get the biggest lift from are not, in themselves, uplifting songs. When I saw Ani DiFranco in concert in November, she herself discussed how she only seems to want to write songs when she's upset, and when she's happy her guitar just sort of chills in a corner (though she's starting to give happy songs a try). And just last week Jon and I discovered a shared sanctuary in Nirvana. No one, no one can argue that Kurt Cobain was an upbeat sort of guy.

It's not all the time that I need dark music to get me out of a funk; sometimes a little Scissor Sisters is all it takes to get me dancing like an idiot around my room. So I don't know what it is about certain circumstances that dictates what music will help. But hey, whatever, as long as I can figure it out for each instance, I don't know how much I care about the overarching rule.

In conclusion: Ani DiFranco rocks my socks.

-Kate

My triumphant return to the blagosphere!

2007-01-03T21:40:00.000-05:00

That title is actually misleading. This is less a triumphant return than an idle whim. But I enjoy the idea of keeping a journal, and I find that I'm much better at keeping up with writing about my life when it's online. Of course, you folks of teh intarwubs don't get to see the best stuff, because that's why I keep a million notebooks around me. But maybe I'll feel like sharing some random extremely short fiction occasionally.

Probably not.

Hello, Blagosphere!

-Kate